Have you ever looked into someone's eyes seeking just a glimmer of their former self. Fear is captivating. I am overwhelmed by fear tonight. Not righteous fear but instead a momentary lack of faith. Fear based in this world is nothing more than mourning the loss of a dream, expectation, belief system, coping mechanism...you name your vice. Fear is similar to sprinting towards the cliff of the Grand Canyon out of fear of heights...it is non sensical. The pain already exists so why run when the narrow path is illuminated? Because we have yet to see where the paths leads. In our human nature the pain of tumbling down the cliff seems more comforting than the thought of the pain of the unknown. Faith is the conviction in the unseen.
So it doesn't seem such a stretch to someone like myself to sit in sheer panic as I watch my loved ones stare blankly as the world passes by. I say loved ones because this week has been saturated with moments of sorrow with friends, family and sisters and brothers in Christ suffering.
But as my sage mentor has said many of times..."Feel the pain". In feeling our pain we identify the fear and are able to let it pass. Fear can be momentary when you trust in a Higher Power. You are no longer asking for control by controlling your feelings; instead you are experiencing a God given gift: The gift of feeling. Without pain I do not feel joy. For they are one in the same. Serenity; the feeling of peace in spite of the craziness of the world around you. The feeling you have in your Father's/ Mother's arms as the storms blows and lighting fills the skies.
I have developed an affinity for the monsoon season. The balmy air, uncontrollable winds, the blinding dust storms, the often sporadic down pour. This is life. Tonight I sit outside in the midst of the pending monsoon and feel the pain.
I am not sure how long this emotional monsoon will last. I know the Arizona monsoon's usually pass in single evening. Tomorrow can't come soon enough. But for tonight I am called to let the tears pour out. Bring on the monsoon...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Narrative to Previous Post
So I posted a picture of Rob and Sean at the reunion two posts ago stating that I would follow up with a narrative...so here goes!
After over a year of planning the day finally came. Rob was asked to play at a reunion we attend every year. It is not a school reunion but instead a reunion of folks that celebrate their recovery. I look forward every year to the reunion as I just bask in the beauty of Tuscon, the quiet resort we stay at and most of all the quality of time spent with loved ones.
This year had a special twist. Rob was playing his music for the first time live. Over the past year Rob has written and recorded his first album. My brother Sean was his producer, co-writer and friend throughout the process. Rob's album is recovery driven. The album is a journey thru his dark days and expressing as only music can the deep pain he shares with others who have struggled the same. By no way is the music happy or even uplifting in the traditional sense but it is deeply moving and inspiring to those who know his story.
The first portion of the weekend was just beautiful. We had dinner Friday night with the group and then as Rob ran a meeting I spent it under the stars with a dear friend sharing intimate details of life you only would in that setting. Saturday morning I woke up at 5:00 am only to realize the bus to the hike in the Catalina mountains had already left... oh, well it was meant to be. I spent the wee hours of the morning sipping my coffee and watching the sunrise. I read the paper and took some time with Jesus to just celebrate the moment. I have so much to be grateful for. Every day has been a step forward in our marriage and I wanted to take the time to celebrate and rejoice.
We had breakfast on the terrace with friends and attended a meditation workshop that included a little yoga. I was in heaven!!!!! We then took a little nap before my highlight of the weekend...my nieces arrived. We had lunch together and while the boys went to prepare for the performance the following day us girls played and swam in the pool. It is not often that I get that amount of concentrated time with my beautiful nieces. Oh, how I love them. Every bit of them. Their smile, their naughtiness, their hugs and kisses...oh I could go on forever. I believe this is what grandparents talk about when their first grandchild is born. I have the blessing of having four nieces and I just relish my time with each and everyone of them.
After the play date Rob and I attended dinner that evening that included a comedian that nearly caused me to have an accident I was laughing so hard. I even had the opportunity to attend a meeting with Rob after the dinner. But the best was still to come...
We arrived at our room located only one door down from Sean and Cate's to find them snuggling on the lounge chairs in front of the pool enjoying the starry evening. So of course we decided to join in. We stayed up way past bedtime laughing and enjoying the company of family and even more importantly our friends.
Sunday morning came by way too quick. We rushed to the rehab facility and ate a quick breakfast before heading the meeting....so here goes.
Many may not now but the picture on the front of the album is Rob's body map. What is a body map you might ask? Well, if you have ever been to a treatment center you already know but for the rest of us it is a life size contour of a person's body painted in with every injury they have experienced. Rob's is a little overwhelming. Rob started by explaining the body map and then diving right into his testimony. Each song he played was accompanied by the life experience behind it. It was sobering. Not only to the in patients but also the rest of the group. There were tears, sighs, held breaths and just sheer horror on some people's faces. Others nodded because they knew the pain.
The music was painstaking, not because it wasn't performed beautifully, but because the message was deep. When all you want to do is look away and think of pretty things you are reminded of the horror and pain that so many people carry with them every day. But if you are truly listening you will find God in each word and harmony.
There were many tears shed during what is called, the share. I was grateful. Grateful because Sean was able to part of the celebration of the disease that almost took the life of his best friend 5 years ago. Grateful because as the inpatients shared with Rob afterwards, they didn't feel so alone in their struggle. Grateful that music can express what words can't. Grateful to be the wife of man who found his passion, his purpose in life.
So that is my narrative.
After over a year of planning the day finally came. Rob was asked to play at a reunion we attend every year. It is not a school reunion but instead a reunion of folks that celebrate their recovery. I look forward every year to the reunion as I just bask in the beauty of Tuscon, the quiet resort we stay at and most of all the quality of time spent with loved ones.
This year had a special twist. Rob was playing his music for the first time live. Over the past year Rob has written and recorded his first album. My brother Sean was his producer, co-writer and friend throughout the process. Rob's album is recovery driven. The album is a journey thru his dark days and expressing as only music can the deep pain he shares with others who have struggled the same. By no way is the music happy or even uplifting in the traditional sense but it is deeply moving and inspiring to those who know his story.
The first portion of the weekend was just beautiful. We had dinner Friday night with the group and then as Rob ran a meeting I spent it under the stars with a dear friend sharing intimate details of life you only would in that setting. Saturday morning I woke up at 5:00 am only to realize the bus to the hike in the Catalina mountains had already left... oh, well it was meant to be. I spent the wee hours of the morning sipping my coffee and watching the sunrise. I read the paper and took some time with Jesus to just celebrate the moment. I have so much to be grateful for. Every day has been a step forward in our marriage and I wanted to take the time to celebrate and rejoice.
We had breakfast on the terrace with friends and attended a meditation workshop that included a little yoga. I was in heaven!!!!! We then took a little nap before my highlight of the weekend...my nieces arrived. We had lunch together and while the boys went to prepare for the performance the following day us girls played and swam in the pool. It is not often that I get that amount of concentrated time with my beautiful nieces. Oh, how I love them. Every bit of them. Their smile, their naughtiness, their hugs and kisses...oh I could go on forever. I believe this is what grandparents talk about when their first grandchild is born. I have the blessing of having four nieces and I just relish my time with each and everyone of them.
After the play date Rob and I attended dinner that evening that included a comedian that nearly caused me to have an accident I was laughing so hard. I even had the opportunity to attend a meeting with Rob after the dinner. But the best was still to come...
We arrived at our room located only one door down from Sean and Cate's to find them snuggling on the lounge chairs in front of the pool enjoying the starry evening. So of course we decided to join in. We stayed up way past bedtime laughing and enjoying the company of family and even more importantly our friends.
Sunday morning came by way too quick. We rushed to the rehab facility and ate a quick breakfast before heading the meeting....so here goes.
Many may not now but the picture on the front of the album is Rob's body map. What is a body map you might ask? Well, if you have ever been to a treatment center you already know but for the rest of us it is a life size contour of a person's body painted in with every injury they have experienced. Rob's is a little overwhelming. Rob started by explaining the body map and then diving right into his testimony. Each song he played was accompanied by the life experience behind it. It was sobering. Not only to the in patients but also the rest of the group. There were tears, sighs, held breaths and just sheer horror on some people's faces. Others nodded because they knew the pain.
The music was painstaking, not because it wasn't performed beautifully, but because the message was deep. When all you want to do is look away and think of pretty things you are reminded of the horror and pain that so many people carry with them every day. But if you are truly listening you will find God in each word and harmony.
There were many tears shed during what is called, the share. I was grateful. Grateful because Sean was able to part of the celebration of the disease that almost took the life of his best friend 5 years ago. Grateful because as the inpatients shared with Rob afterwards, they didn't feel so alone in their struggle. Grateful that music can express what words can't. Grateful to be the wife of man who found his passion, his purpose in life.
So that is my narrative.
Monday, August 3, 2009
My Heart Smiles
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Windy City
So the dogs were packed and ready to spend two weeks with grandma and grandpa, Rob was running late to pick me up and take me to the airport, my sister in tears and my father on his way to Arizona to stay with the in laws. Oh and did I mention that I was late for the airport and hadn't eaten anything all day and it was 1:00 pm...ok so that was my day yesterday. But in spite of the chaos the rest of the day was a blessing. I read an entire novel on the plane (the girly kind you can only get away with buying at an airport), my luggage arrived without any hitches and the hotel is AWESOME! I love whoever designed the W hotels...so trendy, modern and yet in a historical building. I feel like I am in a 1900's sanctuary/church with a disco ball and party music 24/7. Much like the Standard Hotel in LA but without the drug scene and crazy drunk people trying to enter my room at 3 am...story for another day. We had dinner, fish and chips to be exact, and then sought out some solitude by walking the financial district until 1 am. I then relaxed in a scolding hot bath with bubbles (provided by the hotel thank to BLISS) and read all the local sites to see in the beautiful city of Chicago. I fell asleep and woke up at 7 am rested and ready to walk the city again. I found a wonderful little coffee shop next to the train station and only a couple of blocks away. I ate a cheese danish and purchased a travel coffee mug (my green effort for the day). I must have refilled my coffee mug at least 8 times today...ah caffine high! I continued walking the city until it was time to shower and begin the work day. So 15 hours later I am blogging having just finished up a working dinner and feeling inspired...not to work but to play. I wish my hubby was here! I could use his funny charm and exploration skills. I think that if Robby hadn't been a musician he would have been an explorer. It is one of the things I love about my partner...we travel great together. Every moment of every day is filled with excitement and something new. Lounging and relaxing is reserved my annual girls trip. Every other trip includes walking at least 15 miles a day! I love it and I am being serious!
Ok enough ranting and raving about nothing. Oh, except if you can't already tell I love the Windy City!
Ok enough ranting and raving about nothing. Oh, except if you can't already tell I love the Windy City!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Closer Than A Brother
Our dear brother Travis moved almost two weeks ago with his fiance and stepdaughter to Ohio. Our hearts are pain striken. We miss him so much. He has been a faithful friend and brother to the both of us. He has encouraged, laughed and cried with us throughout it all. His love is undying. He knows what to say in every situation. Of course it usually includes an explative but for some reason it makes your heart smile even in the worst of situations. He sat at the hospital with me a month ago. He was the one person I could lean on. The one person that could bring peace to the situation. He was the only person Rob would allow to see him in his fagile state. His hugs bring comfort and hope. I don't know how he does it but his compassion and understanding is out of this world.
I know the friendship is not over and that he is only a phone call away, only a plane trip away and yet it is not the same. I hurt knowing that my husband longs for his friendship in a way that only a brother can. He is family. He is a brother and a best friend. What a blessing!
Stigma
First and foremost forgive my righteous indignation of a post if you can call it that...
I live with mental illness everyday in my own life, the life of my loved ones, my home and in my work. I read an article this past week that expressed what I have felt since I was a child and for the first time I saw it expressed in words and my heart jumped with excitement and joy. For the first time the medical world is redefining mental health, "being crazy", bi-polar, depressed, RAD, anxious...whatever you call it as a BRAIN DISEASE. This is nothing new. For many years we have known that mental health is caused by an increase/decrease in serotonin, that neurotransmitters connect or disconnect and a myriad of other physical symptoms cause what we know as mental health or what I now will call a brain disease.
I am sick and tired of the stigma. I am sick and tired of people that say just walk away or protect yourself and your children from those suffering. Would you say the same thing if I told you that it was cancer? Would you say just put that person in a hospital ward and leave them to die alone? Would you say that medication is just a band aid? Would you say just let them suffer? Would you blame that person for having cancer? Well, let me be the first to say that a brain disease is no different from cancer. And next time someone tells you they are suffering from a mental illness give them and their family a hug, offer to bring dinner, ask if you can help the same way you would if that person was lying in a cancer ward suffering. Don't feel sorry for them or their family. Don't ask what they did wrong or if they were always that way as a child. Don't assume their family or parents did something wrong. Don't assume God has forsaken them. God has not left their side. God loves them as He love all those suffering from illness...but do you?
I am the first to say that I am embarrassed and ashamed by brain diseases, I wonder if that isn't why I always worked in the mental health field? Was it that God gave me an extra measure of understanding, of love, compassion? And how it is that as a child I could stand outside a room and know the pain going on inside the walls without hearing a word and I condemn, judge and lack love for myself and those around me suffering? Because I am human, I am sinful, I am hurting, I am sick. And if you don't think you have your own sickness then throw the stones, God will be the judge. Again, forgive my anger. I am angry. I am angry that people pray everyday for the starving, for the AIDS stricken, for the physically challenged and never mention a word of those living everyday with a brain illness. And if you don't think it affects you here is statistic for you...one in every three people suffer from a brain disease. Look around you and I ask you if you are the exception?
And don't tell me that it is just a spiritual issue. I myself have gone through this. How many counselors just tell addicts to just pray a little more. And if you didn't already know addiction is also a disease of the brain with the same biological factors at play then any other physical disease. So pray, pray like crazy that God would heal and when He chooses not to please don't imply that God has forsaken that person or that they just didn't accept God's healing. Would you do the same of someone with Cancer?
Today I was reading Sean and Cate's blog. I heard a song by Sara Grove, "It's Going to Be All Right". Well today I believe it is going to be all right. Today I believe that I can live a full and joyous life. I, those I love and those individuals I work with will be alright not in spite of their brain disease but because of their brain disease. God gives all those suffering a measure of strength and courage of the soul that only those in desperation can receive. So don't offer any cliches and don't pretend to understand all the pain but hold onto faith that it is going to be all right. And say, we are going to be all right. Use WE because it communicates that God has not forsaken us but instead has chosen to bless us. Begin to change the world around you by identifying those suffering as blessed and not lost.
So next time you see me give me a hug. Don't ask me to run but know that I am blessed.
I live with mental illness everyday in my own life, the life of my loved ones, my home and in my work. I read an article this past week that expressed what I have felt since I was a child and for the first time I saw it expressed in words and my heart jumped with excitement and joy. For the first time the medical world is redefining mental health, "being crazy", bi-polar, depressed, RAD, anxious...whatever you call it as a BRAIN DISEASE. This is nothing new. For many years we have known that mental health is caused by an increase/decrease in serotonin, that neurotransmitters connect or disconnect and a myriad of other physical symptoms cause what we know as mental health or what I now will call a brain disease.
I am sick and tired of the stigma. I am sick and tired of people that say just walk away or protect yourself and your children from those suffering. Would you say the same thing if I told you that it was cancer? Would you say just put that person in a hospital ward and leave them to die alone? Would you say that medication is just a band aid? Would you say just let them suffer? Would you blame that person for having cancer? Well, let me be the first to say that a brain disease is no different from cancer. And next time someone tells you they are suffering from a mental illness give them and their family a hug, offer to bring dinner, ask if you can help the same way you would if that person was lying in a cancer ward suffering. Don't feel sorry for them or their family. Don't ask what they did wrong or if they were always that way as a child. Don't assume their family or parents did something wrong. Don't assume God has forsaken them. God has not left their side. God loves them as He love all those suffering from illness...but do you?
I am the first to say that I am embarrassed and ashamed by brain diseases, I wonder if that isn't why I always worked in the mental health field? Was it that God gave me an extra measure of understanding, of love, compassion? And how it is that as a child I could stand outside a room and know the pain going on inside the walls without hearing a word and I condemn, judge and lack love for myself and those around me suffering? Because I am human, I am sinful, I am hurting, I am sick. And if you don't think you have your own sickness then throw the stones, God will be the judge. Again, forgive my anger. I am angry. I am angry that people pray everyday for the starving, for the AIDS stricken, for the physically challenged and never mention a word of those living everyday with a brain illness. And if you don't think it affects you here is statistic for you...one in every three people suffer from a brain disease. Look around you and I ask you if you are the exception?
And don't tell me that it is just a spiritual issue. I myself have gone through this. How many counselors just tell addicts to just pray a little more. And if you didn't already know addiction is also a disease of the brain with the same biological factors at play then any other physical disease. So pray, pray like crazy that God would heal and when He chooses not to please don't imply that God has forsaken that person or that they just didn't accept God's healing. Would you do the same of someone with Cancer?
Today I was reading Sean and Cate's blog. I heard a song by Sara Grove, "It's Going to Be All Right". Well today I believe it is going to be all right. Today I believe that I can live a full and joyous life. I, those I love and those individuals I work with will be alright not in spite of their brain disease but because of their brain disease. God gives all those suffering a measure of strength and courage of the soul that only those in desperation can receive. So don't offer any cliches and don't pretend to understand all the pain but hold onto faith that it is going to be all right. And say, we are going to be all right. Use WE because it communicates that God has not forsaken us but instead has chosen to bless us. Begin to change the world around you by identifying those suffering as blessed and not lost.
So next time you see me give me a hug. Don't ask me to run but know that I am blessed.
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